Sometimes I miss my little children

Sometimes I miss my little children.
Just for reference (in case anyone reads this): I am a mother of three grown children, grandmother of 6.
I remember what it was like to have three small children always wanting your attention and feeling like you are never succeeding in giving enough to any of them. I remember that I just wanted to be alone, time to go to the bathroom or take a shower without someone trying to breakdown the door to find out where I am. I remember I just wanted to eat a meal without having to share my food or preparing a meal that wasn't met with eeuuh, yucks.
But I also remember the snuggles. I remember when my three year-old little boy would snuggle and put his hand just inside my shirt so he could touch my skin. Or his chubby little hands reaching up to mine. I remember little girls coming in to snuggle in bed with me in the morning or during naps. I remember when they didn't want to leave my side.
Now they are grown and I miss those chubby little hands.

I'm a mom. That was all I ever wanted to be. When I was young, third grade maybe, the teacher had us draw a picture of ourselves in the future of what we wanted to be when we grew up. My mom worked most of my growing up years, but she worked as a waitress or a bar tender. I didn't want to do either one of those things. I drew myself as a secretary. Not because I wanted to be one, but because I thought the only two things I could be (besides what my mom did) was a secretary or teacher. I really didn't like my third grade teacher so I choose secretary.
All during my growing up years I played "house". I had dolls that I put to bed. I had boxes that made a washer and dryer and another one that I drew circles on to make it look like a stove. I had a real ironing board and an iron that plugged in and was warm. I played with my little house all the time. I don't remember sleeping with my dolls, they were my babies and I would gently put them in their own bed.I had a trunk of doll clothes. I loved it.
Fast forward to high school. I knew I wasn't smart enough to be anything really important (that was untrue, but I didn't know it at the time) so after high school I went to work for a large  electronic company that was hiring at at the time. I worked there for the next five or six years. I didn't leave there until after I had my first child.
Then came the best and hardest years of my life. I fought depression and weight gain. But through it all I was a Mom. I knew that somebody was depending on me.
Then seemingly overnight they were all gone. Poof! One day I woke up and they were all gone.
Now I find that the job that I have always wanted, even when I had no idea I wanted it is gone. I'm obsolete. Like last years cell phone.
Sometimes I miss my kids so much it hurts. They are scattered all over the world (with a son that soon will be in Afghanistan and a daughter in Canada). I rarely get to see then, we talk occasionally, but it never feels like enough.
To my children: I love you more than life itself.
Love to you all.

Traditional Landscape by Waterdown Interior Designers & Decorators ROOMS & BLOOMS

Traditional Kitchen by Minneapolis Design-Build Firms TreHus Architects+Interior Designers+Builders

Sad and Bitter

Feeling a combination between bitter and sad. I am leaving the elementary school I've worked at for a year and a half. In that whole time I have been a sub. Yes, you can be a substitute for a year and a half, who knew. The child that I was an IA (Instructional Assistant) for is going to another school into a smaller Special classroom. I will be at the new school for a couple of weeks so that she will be able to transition a little better (we hope).
I'm sad because I will miss the kids that I have gotten to know in the last year and a half. Not just my little girl, but all of the kids.
Bitter, because I don't understand why I am not hired by the school district. It's not like I'm not a good worker. I have never had a bad reference. EVER.
I also know that one of the reasons that she is going to the other school in a Special classroom is because it is cheaper than having a one on one aid. It may end up being really good for her, I don't know. But I do know that it was a monetary decision on the part of the school district. She was making progress in our classroom, she has friends there that she is going to miss and that are going to miss her, and that also makes me sad.
Love to you all.

Back to 50 Things: Ride a Roller Coaster

I have, in the distant past, rode a fairly sedate roller coaster. I had never ridden a three loop, make you dizzy, want to throw up kind of roller coaster. Until this past summer. I went to visit Jeanette, Kyler and baby girl in July. We went to The Mall at Edmonton. It had EVERYTHING, including a hotel. One of the things it had was a rockin' roller coaster. Yes, it had three loops that send you upside down. It had parts that you were sideways. It took 3 minutes? But it felt like 20. I barely opened my eyes the whole time. I think I screamed the whole time, I know that by the end I was screaming, "Is it done yet!?".
I did NOT pee my pants, I did NOT throw up AND I did NOT go on it again. The rest of the day was a lot of fun.

Pride and Humility

I know that pride and humility are the opposite of each other and that is the point.
14 years ago I graduated from Portland Community College. My major was graphic design. While I was attending PCC I had a job in an office answering phones, filing etc. basically your run of the mill receptionist type position. I did well, but then I've always done well in every job I've had.
At one point, a department secretary said something about how she went to PCC and now look at her. My thought at the time was, "Well, I want to be more than a secretary in an office."
Oh, for the fall of pride. I had NEVER had a problem getting a job or keeping a job.
Then it was graduation time, I won't bore you with how wonderful my grades were or the great internship I had or any of the other things that made me someone great to hire. I will say that a job didn't just land in my lap. In fact I really struggled. I had a few part time graphic design jobs, one full time job and then, poof! Nothing.
I finally gave up on graphic design, not because I didn't love it or because I wasn't good at it, but because I didn't feel like I would ever be able to work in that industry. New programs come out almost constantly and I had been left behind.
Now comes the really humbling part. I would love a job as a receptionist or secretary. I have applied to a local school district for such jobs only to have NO luck at all.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and talk to that PCC receptionist that I was and tell her to just stay where she is and be thankful for her job.
No longer proud, but very humble.
Love to you all.

It was a beautiful day!

I'm not sure, but I don't believe that breaking your arm is on the 50 things to do before you die. If it is, I have just completed one more.
On Friday the 13th (I know, ironic) we were in Utah and babysitting Lilia (see picture). We went to the park, it was a beautiful day. Then BAM out of nowhere came this latter and tripped me. I will skip the gory details and say that the bone that is suppose to be one piece is now in four.
It has slowed me down quit a bit, for example, I have taken most of the day to type this left handed.
I do feel really blessed, for more reasons than I want to spend the time to type, but the following picture represents a lot of them.